I conquered my distaste for unflattering feedback. You can, too.
This article was published on July 7, 2020 on The Startup, Medium’s largest active publication.
For years, when I detected even the weakest signal of constructive criticism coming my way, the entire flight crew rushed to the cranial deck, red lights flashing and emergency alarms blaring. The cerebral portion of my brain shut down. Cortisol and adrenaline surged. I experienced amygdala hijack.
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Pity the offeror of that feedback. The more legitimate the poor sap’s point of view, the harder I fought. The ferocity of my reaction was directly proportionate to the degree to which the nail had been hit on the head. Rule #1 in this Inc. Magazine article says to “Respond, not react” when negative feedback comes your way. I didn’t follow that rule.
Sometimes I raised the stakes even higher. I stood on principle against “unsolicited advice,” lumping all types of unwanted feedback and other constructive criticism into that broad category and decrying anyone who tried to bring it. “How dare you judge me! Can’t you see I’ve got this?!?! Oh, and if you want to talk shortcomings, maybe we should focus on yours…”
Today, my journey toward recovery is long underway. Setbacks are exceedingly rare. I figured out that my volcanic reaction to less-flattering feedback was holding me back.
I came to realize that feedback, even the type that hurts to hear, is not a commentary on my worth. To the contrary, more often than not, it’s a vote of confidence in my potential.
I went from leading with my insecurities to understanding that I get smarter when I actually listen to others about not just what I’m doing but how I do it.
And today, one of the things my job allows me to do is help business leaders reach a similar epiphany. By overcoming fear of less-flattering feedback, they can set themselves up to become more pliable, adaptable, resilient, and ready. And more trusted. What better time for that than right now.
Here are three general rules I offer to individuals who have made it this far, many to amazing career heights, despite their rather extreme distaste for constructive criticism.
1. Prove with your daily behavior that you believe you can learn from others.
I know you say that you learn from our peers every day and that you are surrounded by brilliant people. But be honest with yourself. Does your day-in, day-out behavior really back that up?
If you do only one thing, it is this. Get it through your head that you are very smart and immensely capable. But you do not have it all figured out. And there’s a decent chance you’re not even fully leveraging all your diverse strengths.
The good news is, that is 100% OK. You’re human, with a fit brain, rich with capacity to learn, grow, and evolve to meet your circumstances. And chances are that one of those circumstances is that the brains of the people all around you are filled with terrific, unsaid perspectives and insights on how you approach your work.
All of those perspectives, including the really rich and useful ones, become available to you when you open yourself to feedback. The people around you will help you cultivate your inner greatness. But first you’ve got to trust that they and their sharp observations are capable of doing so.
2. Drop that guard.
When you really, truly do #1 above — accept that the people around you are astute observers and would likely to be happy to help you bolster your game — you lose the overwhelming urge to defend your stuff. You no longer need to deflect, puff up, nor counterpunch (like I used to) when someone hits one of the little insecurities lurking just beneath your surface.
When someone offers you less flattering feedback, you can simply acknowledge, “Yep, that’s one of my things. Not me at my tip-top best. I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I’m working on it…”
If you really believe that the whole is better than the sum of its parts, then embrace the idea that your peers, supervisors, and subordinates can and will draw out your latent strengths if you give them the opportunity. Those strengths then add to your bag of tricks.
There are few things so liberating as to simply, wholly drop one’s guard. When you do, you feel less besieged. That puts your brain in a state to become a rapid learner. And we all know rapid learners are the kinds of people who create, solve, and get results.
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3. Practice, practice, practice.
If you want to unlock your potential to deliver even greater results in your job, and dramatically enhance your relationship with your coworkers while doing so, then practice actively soliciting all types of feedback. Including constructive criticism. You’ll enrich your relationships with those individuals, and your informal power base will expand.
Be proactive about it. Start with a colleague you know well and trust. Prepare to solicit feedback on one of your routine approaches to getting work done. Prepare to inquire about how it affects the daily experience of others.
To get ready for that conversation, remind yourself that others need not think you’re perfect in order to respect you. Repeat to yourself that there is no shame in acknowledging your limitations. Or even in having them constructively pointed out. And visualize yourself responding with humility and gratitude to any observation offered, even if it stings.
When you’re sure you’re ready, have the conversation. During it, assume positive intent. A The Muse article“Taking Constructive Feedback Like a Champ” explains, “Avoid analyzing or questioning the person’s assessment; instead, just focus on understanding his or her comments and perspective.”
Thank the feedback provider with sincerity. Make honest attempts to incorporate the feedback you hear. Then check in with them monthly or so. Ask them to be candid about if they observe you making progress.
Practice the above, again and again, with all manner of people, in all types of situations.
The experience of letting go of feedback aversion is something to be enjoyed. Immensely. It feels great. It is spectacularly relieving! And as a result, you might just find yourself a more persuasive, influential leader, one who increasingly finds the table set for delivering great outcomes.